5 Easy steps to being a first-class side bitch

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First Posted: 4/13/2015

Have you ever looked at someone’s Facebook page and said to yourself, “Ughhhhh, why do they have so much self-esteem today?” Then, a few hours later, they’ll post a status that their grandmother is dying and they’re asking for prayers to be sent their way; making you say to yourself, “Oh, man, I didn’t want them to feel that badly. I mean sure I don’t care for them and all, but I don’t hate them so much that I would want someone they love to get sick! I’m such a jerk.”

It happens to all of us; so relax, you’re not actually a bad person.

This happened to me about a week ago when I was looking at a Facebook profile that belonged to a former close friend. He gets emotional in his Facebook statuses every now and again for attention, and I like knowing that he’s a mess. When I was browsing for a depressing status that could make my day, I noticed most of the names that Liked his statuses were people he banged or got off with.

“How desperate,” I said to myself, “to Like every single status someone writes when you’re only a side bitch.”

In case you need clarification, a side bitch is someone who will have sex on February 1-13 and spend Valentine’s Day alone. They’re more than just a hit it and quit it one-night stand, but they’ll never meet the family — and they’ll never be the only one.

Since I like to help people who create third party embarrassment, this column is for the side bitches in the world. Do your thing and get it in, but school yourself on these five easy steps to being a first-class side bitch:

1. Have your own life.

There’s nothing that turns a guy on more than hooking up with someone who isn’t so easily accessible. Trust me, men want what they can’t have; there’s an allure to that. Showing your hook-up that you have other things happening in your life is a turn on; especially knowing that you’re not around for them 24/7.

2. Adopt an IDGAF attitude about what or who they’re doing.

Jealousy does nothing for an erection. Showing that you care about who they hang out with or who they text is a major turn-off. If the guy you’re having sex with wanted to be nagged all the time, he would have asked you to make your relationship Facebook official by now. Showing the person you’re sleeping with that you don’t care will make them wonder why you don’t care. All of a sudden, they’ll be more likely to get your approval because they secretly want you to care — they just don’t want you to show it.

3. Don’t Like every Facebook status.

Liking every single status or picture someone posts only means one thing: you’re intense and desperate and want their attention. Calm down and remember that you’re just a side bitch. You really shouldn’t be Liking any statuses at all. Do you really need to Like that picture of their iced coffee from Dunkin? C’mon now!

4. Keep your mouth shut.

Don’t tell anybody. It’s nobody’s busy. The higher the level of discretion, the more often they’ll text you to meet up and have sex.

5. Realize it won’t last forever and be OK with that.

If you’re starting to develop feelings, you need to fly away with the wind like a sex-crazed Mary Poppins. The main rule of being a side bitch is understanding that you will never be the one they choose. When someone knows you’ll stoop to being a source of action on the side, they know they’ll never have to work hard at getting your attention. There’s a season and a reason for every relationship — even sexual relationships. Have fun while it lasts and prepare yourself that one day it will end. Once you’re OK with that, you’ll be a first-class side bitch. Have fun with it!