Most unforgettable sorry moments

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First Posted: 8/4/2014

Life isn’t a matter of milestones, but of moments. Here are my top five most unforgettable “Sorry Mom & Dad” moments from the past 200 columns:

5. The Lance Bass tweet

In “Sorry Mom & Dad…” No. 34 (titled “Lance Bass can kiss my ass”), I shared the story of the time I was “almost” best friends with Lance Bass. I was living in Los Angeles for an internship and my roommate at the time was close friends with the former N’Sync star. When he came out drinking with us one night I was determined to make him my first celebrity BFF, figuring Bass would be my gateway drug into a sea of celebrity comrades. Instead, he left early while I was getting a shot for the two of us because his fans were bothering him. When I called him out on turning down our friendship in my column, he tweeted that my column was “brilliant”. I guess that Tweet is the closest I’ll get to having Bass as my friend.

4. The lollipop lesson

My second column titled “The lollipop lesson” shared the time I learned a valuable life lesson: Never trust a stripper with a lollipop. When a stripper at my fraternity brother’s birthday party featured a game where a stripper would allow you to thrust a lollipop inside her hamper of goodies while holding the stick with your teeth, with the challenge of not losing grip of the stick or the stripper would be allowed to stick it up your butt, I was willing to chip a tooth before allowing a girl on bad terms with her father tickle my prostate with a Dum-Dum. My one fraternity brother, however, wasn’t so lucky. Writing the column about the time a stripper thrust-ed a lollipop inside my brother’s anal cavity resulted in being left off the invitation list to his wedding. On a positive note, a stripper walked up to me at a casino once and told me that was her favorite story of mine.

3. I’m not the father!

Writing my column has allowed me to interview some of the most popular celebrities hailed by today’s generation, including everyone’s favorite daytime talk show host, Maury Povich. I couldn’t leave without asking him to reenact a paternity test reading with me as the father in question. Bucket list, Check!

2. #keepfightinggary

When the story of Gary Lukasiewicz, a high school senior battling cancer, went viral, I used my column to write an open letter to him, where I wrote: “It’s been said that a person starts to live when he can live outside himself. And you, Gary Lukasiewicz, have lived outside yourself in a way most 90 year olds have never lived. Something about the person you are, not just the battle you’re fighting, has inspired people to root for you!”

I learned through his story that life isn’t about the number of years you’ve lived, but the number of lives you’ve impacted. When that column was read at one of his prayer services, I realized that anybody can make a difference in their own way.

1. Michael Lohan, Father of the Year

Determined to have my column make headlines, I decided to do something that nobody in the media has ever done: Label Michael Lohan a good father. I flew to Los Angeles, spent the day with him at his apartment, and presented him with a Father of the Year Award that I accidentally spilled orange juice on. He cried with appreciation, Perez Hilton blogged about it, and my column made headlines.