Mad dad in a minivan

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First Posted: 5/23/2014

I was scrolling through my Facebook news feed the other day when I noticed a status from a friend of mine that read: “I love my girlfriend so much. I can’t wait to marry her one day. Baby, you’re the best thing that has ever happened to me.”

My first instinct was that he was crazy since he has only been dating her for a few months. You can’t tell whether or not you want to be with a girl for the rest of your life when you have only spent three menstrual cycles with her.

My next thought was, “Wow! His summer is f—king shot.”

After all, it’s summertime! Time to sit back and unwind – not to cuddle all night inside while watching Netflix and constantly answering that classic question every girlfriend loves to ask: “Will you tell me what you like about me?” When a dude is stuck in a relationship during the summer, the only excitement he can look forward to is hoping she’ll let him stick it in her butt. How depressing.

When you’re single – or “consciously not coupled,” as I like to say – you’re free to revel in the three T’s of summer: tinder, travel, and turning the f—k up! Naturally, the latter of the three is my favorite. Perhaps one of the most unforgettable moments of getting turnt up in the summertime was last year when my ass got some unexpected action from a dad in a minivan. Hear me out on this.

A group of friends and I had decided to go egging. I know it’s not what a 27-year-old should have been doing with eggs, but I don’t know how to make an omelet. That, and it gives me an adrenaline rush in the same way an emotionally empty girl pees on pregnancy sticks when she already knows she isn’t pregnant just to ease her panic attack because she sold the last of her Xanax for gas money so she could drive to the liquor store for a box of wine.

After running out of three cartons of eggs, the driver was driving everyone back to their cars. While at a red light, I decided to get one last burst of an adrenaline rush by mooning the minivan that was waiting in the lane next to us. Since it was summertime, I didn’t stick my ass against the window – I stuck it out the window.

A few seconds later, I felt someone punch my ass!

“You think that’s funny? I have children in my car!” screamed the man behind the fist brave enough to touch my bare butt.

Taken by complete surprise, I jumped to the other end of the back seat, lying on the laps of three other people with my bare bottom in their faces.

“Get out of the car!” screamed the father.

“Go!” I screamed to the driver who was just sitting there with his jaw dropped.

“Get out now!” repeated the angered minivan driver.

“Seriously, drive! I can’t fight someone with my pants down!” I shouted.

The driver then ran the red light to save my ass from any more pounding.

Sorry, Mom and Dad, for mooning a family in a minivan at a red light. In my defense, it was summertime, and sometimes when you’re turning up you just have to put your money where your ass is.