Six things about sex

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First Posted: 3/27/2014

While most people spent the day after Scranton’s annual St. Patrick’s Parade hugging a toilet bowl or peeing on a stick and praying to God, I was double-fisting martinis by myself at a Salt-N-Pepa concert held at a couples resort in the Poconos, because I’m awesome like that.

“Most artists in hip-hop don’t use their music to send a positive message,” I expressed when I met the duo at their pre-show meet-and-greet. “However, with your song ‘Let’s Talk About Sex’ you did, encouraging people to talk about their sexuality and not think of it as something dirty or shameful. Let’s keep the conversation going…”

At that moment I had to seize the perfect opportunity to interrupt and say, “But first, let me take a selfie!” So we did.

“Let’s talk about sex,” I continued after taking the most dope selfie ever taken in Pennsylvania. #BucketListCheck

“Where is the craziest place you’ve ever done it?” I asked the hip-hop legends.

Spinderella then whispered something so wild in my ear that even I can’t repeat it.

I couldn’t seem to shake the uninhibited response I was given.

The deeper I thought about it, the more I realized that was the entire point of the song in the first place. When Salt-N-Pepa dropped the song back in ’91, they were speaking out on the positive and negative sides of sex and the censorship it had in mainstream media at a time when our culture was still very ignorant to AIDS.

23 years later, we may know more about the stipulations of unprotected sex, and the openness to sexual content may be more vivid on our television programs, but have our conversations fully progressed enough for the topic to cease blushed faces and advocate more responsible choices? I don’t think so. Though we have come a long way, I think the conversation needs to keep going. Sorry, Mom and Dad, but here are six things everyone should feel comfortable talking about when it comes to sex…

1. Know your facts. Though nobody wants to use a condom, it’s not that big of a deal when you’re having sex with someone you don’t know. Fact: Anyone can have an STI. Just because you have 63 mutual friends on Facebook and your partner is dressed well doesn’t mean they’re clean. They could easily have a lot of friends because they’re whores and be saving the receipt to return those nice clothes the next day. I have a couple friends that have had curable sexually transmitted infections and, unless they confided in me, I never would’ve suspected.

2. Know your partner enough. Demand their cell number and test that it’s legit so you can track them down if they gave you something, preventing them from spreading it more.

3. Get tested. If you’re too self-conscious to ask a doctor to test you, donate blood. They have to test it, and they’ll mail you a letter if they find ANYTHING.

4. Don’t be boring. Try multiple positions. Girls: No dude loves missionary no matter what he says. Guys: No girl loves doggy. If you met the one who does… PUT A RING ON IT.

5. Apps are for asses. Stay away from people who use Tinder or Grindr. You’re just asking for a staph infection.

6. Time and place. Meaningless sex is like bacon: You want it every day, but if you have it every day, you’ll die. There’s a time and place for one-night stands: college, Scranton’s Parade Day, and Vegas… but that’s another story.